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Am I Enough? In those moments of silence, my doubting thoughts start to creep in.

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Dear Carl,

There are these brief moments of quiet in the chaos of caring for my dad, and it's in those moments that my doubting thoughts start to creep in. “Can I really do this?” “Am I enough?” It’s like no matter how much effort I put into understanding dementia and learning how to cope with it, I feel like I’m still not good enough. I'm under a lot of pressure, trying to be everything my dad needs, all while there’s a nagging voice in the back of my mind whispering to me that there’s more I could be doing or that I’m the wrong person for this job.

How do I get past this? How can I convince myself that I am good enough to be the caregiver my dad deserves?

Thanks,
Doubting caregiver.

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Dear Doubting,

Thank you for your heartfelt message. It resonates deeply with me as we all attempt to do our best at whatever interpersonal task we find ourselves in. I hear you and recognize the universal feeling of debilitating doubt that you are experiencing. From your letter I can tell that you're doing your best to navigate all of the complexities of caregiving and trying to find a way that helps you feel secure in this responsibility. Those “brief moments of quiet” that you speak of are more common than you might imagine, and the “whispers” you hear are indeed simply a human feeling of doubt that make us question if we’re enough as simply a part of the human experience, but especially more so for caregivers.

Here’s an important truth to remember: every moment you have ever experienced with your dad—every laugh, every cry, every fight, hug, benign conversation etc., has brought you to where you are now. Even during the hardest times, you’ve been building a bond and understanding that’s uniquely suited for this journey. It’s not about knowing the correct answers right away or never feeling overwhelmed. It’s about being there, learning as you go, and being driven by your deep and intricate love.

I’m here not only to fill the gaps in knowledge for you, but to affirm that you are already doing exactly what’s needed and you are enough - more than enough - for this role. And when doubts begin to cloud your thoughts again, you can use different ways to interrupt your negative thoughts. Here’s one to try: it’s a tapping technique to help you center yourself, to remind you of your strength and value. In those solemn moments of uncertainty, it's important to remember to ground yourself in the reality of your capabilities and the love that motivates you to show up for your dad.

You are the right person for this, not just because you are present but also because you care enough to question, strive to better yourself, and reach out. That makes you the caregiver your dad needs and, most importantly, the one he truly deserves.

Please remember that you are not alone in this journey. We are here with you every step of the way.

Warm regards,
Alicia

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