Dear Caregivers,
I see you. I see the countless hours you pour into caring for your loved one with dementia. I also see the joy you feel during moments of connection and the exhaustion that often follows. Your journey is filled with ups and downs, and it’s not always easy to hear well-meaning advice like ‘stay positive’ or ‘think happy thoughts.’ While these words come from a good place, they can sometimes miss the mark, making your very real struggles feel overlooked. We understand you, that little voice in your head saying, “That’s not helpful,” isn’t exactly wrong.
Let’s talk about something crucial that often goes unnoticed in our daily lives. – toxic positivity. What is it? It's the belief that no matter how tough things get, you should always maintain a positive attitude. It’s the idea that we should always "look on the bright side," ignoring any pain or challenges we face. But that’s not always so simple. Optimism is great, but at some point, it can and does become toxic. It can teach us that we’re supposed to suppress our true emotions in favor of a happy facade.
The truth is that caregiving for a loved one with dementia is tough. Really tough, so it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and a whole mix of other emotions. These feelings are simply natural responses to the complex and often heartbreaking role you’ve taken on. When you suppress these emotions, you not only isolate yourself but also risk deepening the emotional toll, leading to burnout and resentment.
So what can you do instead? Embrace realistic optimism. Realistic optimism is about acknowledging the hard parts of caregiving while still holding onto hope. It’s finding that sweet spot between allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions and believing that things can improve over time.
Imagine this: Instead of forcing yourself to stay upbeat and positive which will most likely have you end up feeling suffocated, you allow yourself to feel everything—the good, the bad, the ugly and everything in-between. You actively attempt to find joy in small moments with your loved one, mindfully celebrate your wins, and appreciate the beautiful moments between and around you. This is what realistic optimism looks like.
It’s also fine and reasonable not to feel optimistic all the time. Some days, the weight of your responsibilities will feel like more than you can carry, and that’s perfectly normal. You can’t appreciate the highs without the lows, and to truly enjoy the good moments and feel that sense of relief, you have to let yourself experience the tough ones, too. What matters is that you acknowledge and honor your feelings without judgment or self-criticism.
Opening up to someone about your feelings can aid you as well. This may feel awkward, frightening and overwhelming, especially if you’re not used to sharing or have been holding them in for a while. But there is a pay off for sharing; life starts to feel a little lighter and a lot more manageable.
Caregiving for someone with dementia is a journey without easy answers or quick fixes. By embracing realistic optimism, allowing yourself to feel your emotions fully, and holding space for both the positives and negatives, you can cultivate resilience and hope to sustain you through the dark days.
We’re here with you, every step of the way.
With understanding and support,
Alicia and the Carl Team
